I don't set "resolutions", I make life changes.... Monkey Toes welcomes 2015!

It's alright to be little bitty!

My last post was about learning how to live a more minimalist lifestyle.  I was so proud of myself for getting rid of a bunch of stuff that I didn't need.  Now, going forward, it will still be about letting go of things, as much as it will be about not buying things in the first place!  We are planning on retiring to Flagstaff, AZ in about ten years and "living tiny" out there.  So there is no better time to start downsizing then right now!  One way to start this is by agreeing not to buy actual book, books anymore and committing to eBooks only.  I have moved more time then I care to talk about. Each time the one thing I remember being a pain in the ass to move was all my books!  They are heavy and take up a lot of room.  If we are planning on living in a house smaller then 500 square feet, there won't be room for 2 full bookshelves! So that is just one way I plan on starting to downsizing my "stuff".  I'm still learning about other ways to live small so hopefully the things I learn will inspire me to.....

BLOG MORE!

I'm trying, I really am.  Now that we don't have cable anymore, I have more time to focus on the things that really matter to me.  I have always loved to write.  I can remember winning 1st place in the literature category (for a short story) in my 6th grade Art Fair.  I always loved learning about different writing styles and would rather write a book report then actually read the book!  I wrote tons of poetry throughout high school and was on the school News Paper my Junior year.  The few college courses I did take were English 101, 102 and Creative Writing.  I also journaled for years and years when I was younger.  So for the life of me, I have no idea why it has been so hard to keep up with this Blog!  I guess being an adult kind of gets in the way.  I go to the gym, go to work, come home, make dinner, and then just want to relax!  But writing has never been a chore to me, so I'm hoping this blog will become my way of slowing down at the end of the day.  Kind of an adulthood version of journaling.

Red Means STOP

I read an article the other day about how to have a better relationship with your partner (or I guess it could be really with anyone in your life).  It talked about being able to recognize when you are being reactive or defensive and then how to stop.  I know there have been a lot of times in the past that I have been in a heated argument with my husband and it gets to the point that I am just trying to get in my two cents and/or the last word.  Well neither of those, helps anything, period.  It just makes the other person become reactive or defensive as well and then the vicious cycle goes on and on.  Now as a woman, I know it is super hard to stop yourself when you feel like you are right about anything.  It's like we are pre-wired to always be right in our minds.  I mean hell, we take care of a lot of shit from day to day.  I know I do.  So it's easy to feel unappreciated or defensive or argumentative or reactive when things don't go our way.  But it doesn't help anything in the long run.  So a big goal for me next year will be to just stop myself from fueling hurtful and nonproductive fires.  To just stop, tell my husband (or whoever) "look, I'm being very defensive and/or reactive to what we are talking about, I need a second to stop and collect myself", and then just STOP.  Not another peep what so ever.  Nada. Zilch. Nothing. Period.

Time to listen more and talk less

At times, not even during an argument, you just need to stop yourself and listen.  Listening is a hard skill for myself.  Sometimes I get so excited about whatever it is someone is talking about that I find myself interrupting them just to throw in my two cents.  And by doing so, that person may lose their train of thought or feel unimportant because I have just stolen the spotlight from them.  Not cool.  Everyone wants to be heard and have a sense of validation, self worth and confidence.  And active listening, means really listening!  I know I have found myself trying to listen to someone tell a story and then they will mention something that I will feel passionate about. Then it happens, I become "stuck" on that thought.  Like I am waiting for the second they are done telling their story so that I can make my comment.  But in the time that I am waiting, I am so focused on what I want to say that I am not even listening to them any longer.  I am zoned out and waiting for my chance!  By doing that I could be missing key points or they may even continue to talk about what I wanted to bring up anyways.  Maybe that's why I enjoy writing so much, because it's my chance to get everything I want to say out, without anyone interrupting me (hey you, yeah, this is not the time to check your Facebook page, keep reading!!!!).

Be the best little vegan I can be!

I became a vegan back in May of 2013.  It started off as a choice for better health.  I watched some compelling documentaries about how animal products can negatively affect your health, as well as the over all well being of the planet.  I actually wrote a blog entry about it.  More recently I have watched a documentary call Earthlings and read a book called Beg.  Both touch on the mistreatment of animals for food production, leather, as well as animals in shelters, pets store and testing for science.  These were both very powerful sources of information.  I am a huge animal lover.  I have always lived with some kind of pet, mostly cats (both currently from shelters).  I have a love for all sorts of animals and I am crushed when I hear stories about animal abuse.  But I was what you would call a "dietary vegan".  I still bought leather shoes and purses.  Often I would feel like a hypocrite when I would tell someone I was a vegan with my leather purse slung over my shoulder.  Now, after watching/reading about all the other types of animal abuse there are in the world, I feel very compelled to be a better vegan.  I had already committed to not going to zoos, Seaworld (watch Blackfish to learn more about them), circuses and rodeos.  Now, going forward I am no longer going to buy leather products as well.  Plus, I already continue to urge as many people as I can to adopt their next fur babies from local animal shelters and not pet stores or breeders.  To me, being vegan is not about being perfect, it's about doing the best you can.  If I can even get close to 90% vegan, I will be proud of myself (I mean my car has a leather wrapped steering wheel, but I am not going to go buy a new car).  I will however be more conscious of non-food products I buy going forward.  And I will never eat anything that had a mom and a dad!

Happiness....the final frontier.

Seems simple enough.  Just to be happy.  Right?  Actually being genuinely happy with your self, your true inner self, is no small task.  Too many times we depend on other things to make us happy.  Whether it be buying something new, eating/drinking something yummy or having a good time with your partner.  Those are just short lived periods of what we think happiness is.  But those things are just generally filling a void for a short amount of time, sometimes for just minutes out of a day.  I know eating a vegan cupcake makes me feel happy for about the 5 minutes but now what about the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of the day?  Happiness is a state of being not just a smile on your face (or a cupcake in your tummy).  I think a person has to really learn about themselves on a very deep level to really and truly be happy in their life.

It's hard.  I know.  I can honestly say that I am not 100% happy.  I do a lot of things that momentarily make me feel happy but I find myself depending on too many outside forces to make me feel that way.  The biggest one being, depending on others to make me happy.  I think that is no-no number one!  No one else can make you happy, only you can make you happy.  Depending on others for approval and identity is being codependent and is not happiness.  I know because I am codependent and I am not truly happy because of it.  But, I am working on fixing this issue.  I go to therapy (along with my partner) and our therapist suggested we both read a book called, Codependent No More.  And after listening to it twice on CD, I can honestly agree with our therapist when she labeled us both as codependent.  I often find myself being upset, sad, angry, depressed, or stressed out because my partner did/didn't do something with/for me.  I find myself depending a lot on him when it comes to my happiness.  I am often fearful of doing things that I like on my own.  I always want him to come be with me.  Go shopping with me, go for a run with me, sit on the sofa with me, watch a movie with me, eat with me and so on.  But we have two very different personalities and come from two extremely different backgrounds.  So, even though we will do some of these things together, I do also get turned down a lot.  He will want to be alone or he is tired and I take those turn downs very personally and become upset, sad, angry depressed or stressed out.  Then he will get upset, sad, angry, depressed or stressed out because of my reaction to him.  And so the horrible cycle goes on and on.  But, if I would just take the time to do the things that make me happy, whether he wants to join me or not, I could break this cycle.  Doing things alone has been very hard for me.  Fear and insecurity step in and happiness steps further away.

So a work in progress will remain a work in progress for now.  I have made some new changes and choices in the past year that have started to help me.  I go the the gym, I joined a running group, I signed up for some cycling and running races and I am in a lot of groups on Facebook that share my same interest.  2014 was a great year but I hope to learn more about myself in 2015 and keep moving forward.

Wild Christmas

So, for Christmas day this year, we went and watched the movie Wild with Reese Witherspoon, inspired by Cheryl Strayed's memoir.  I read the book earlier this year and it was amazing.  It really touched me.  I felt like I could relate to it in away, even though I have yet to face the struggles that Cheryl had seen in her life.  I feel like if/when I do face anything similar, I would probably turn to wanderlust to heal as well.   I have not hiked such a trek in my life...yet.  It is definitely something that I would like to do one day, regardless of the circumstances.  Whether it be on the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT), the Appalachian Trail, or the grand daddy of all pilgrimages the Camino de Santiago in Spain.  To have hiked even a fraction of any of these trails would be amazing and gratifying on a level that nothing else could touch.  And to be brave enough to face one alone, as a woman, is something I hope to be strong enough to do one day (but I am also not apposed to having my husband or a good friend by my side either).

I actually have a friend who went on a vacation to France and surrounding areas of Europe for the past week or so.  She went alone and has been posting the most amazing stories and pictures to Facebook.  I feel like she is so brave, strong and inspiring.  She had faced a lot of personal anguish in the last few years of her own life.  A horrible divorce from an abusive husband.  Having to face being a single parent to two children.  One of whom, is so angry at her and everyone important in her life because he feels it is their fault that his parents divorced.  Not to mention her ex-husband continues to brain wash their own children against her.  And on top of it all, struggling to learn, all over again that it is ok for her to find happiness in her life.  I told her that her journey reminded me of my all time favorite book Eat, Pray, Love (which is also a movie).  Again, another memoir about a woman doing amazing things to find and heal herself.

Whether it be in books or from people I personally know, it is wonderful to be inspired by such amazing women.  It makes me feel like there is nothing I can't face in my own life.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Namaste.

Decisions, decisions.....

So I'm facing a personally dilemma.  I finally have the means to get myself a Garmin heart rate tracking and GPS watch.  I'm really excited about that.  I have taken my fitness level above and beyond what I thought was possible.  Now I need to be able to "tweak" a couple things to make sure I am at my very best.  To do that I need to be able to monitor my body and it's reaction to harder work outs.  But I don't know if I should go with an entry level model, the Forerunner 15  ($170) or go all out from the get go, with the Forerunner 920XT ($500).  Then there is the talks of the Apple watch (estimated $300-$500) set to come out early in 2015.  I love Apple products, and I have to be honest, when I watched the ten minute video about the watch, I almost cried!  But with anything new, I fear there will be "bugs", so I don't plan on buying the first version.  Sorry Apple.

If I do decide to go with one of the Garmin's, I will most likely buy it from REI.  They have a 100% satisfaction guarantee for one year.  And both watches are the same price no matter where I get them from (REI, Amazon, or Garmin).  But by buying it from REI I will have a year to make sure I am truly in love with it.

Now the only other issue I am facing, is that it is less then 10 days until Christmas, so quantities in the store are low.  I know I can wait a little longer if I have to, but I have been thinking about this for over two months now!  Ugh.  And winter is the prime running season for me, so I guess I need to get going with making a decision!

Let's get rid of some SH*T!

Well here I am again trying to restart, keeping up with my blog.  Ugh.  I love to write but I get off track so much with day to day life.  But that is kind of a segue into what this post is about.  Going into 2015 I am really going to be revamping somethings in my life.  I plan on living a more "minimalist" lifestyle.  Basically I plan on getting rid of sh*t so that I don't fill my life with "stuff'.

I kind of already started to do this by canceling my 300+ channel cable subscription.  We now have only 20 basic channels and a Roku box.  I love it.  I probably only watch TV once a week now.  I could drop it all together, but my poor, soon to be husband would probably change his mind about getting married!

But anyways, back to getting rid of "stuff".  Just today I went through my closet and my book shelves and donated/sold a good chunk of items.  It was a little hard to go through the books (I always dreamt I would have a nice "reading room"/library in my house).  But to reach future goals (one day to join the "Tiny House Movement") I would need to make more space.  I actually cleared off two entire shelves!  I still have a TON of new books to read, but going forward I will no longer be buying actual book, books.  Instead I will be broadening my e-Reader collection.  That way, all I will ever need is an internet connection (I mean come on, there are somethings that I really don't think I could live without) and my iWhatever device.

I think the hardest thing for me in this transformation will be with learning how to separate emotional connections from "things".  For an example, I save all the greeting cards that my parents and loved ones have ever given me.  I feel like if I throw them out, that I am throwing a "piece" of them away or secretly hurting their feelings.  But they are not that greeting card, that "thing", they are a living person, that no matter what, I can and will always carry in my mind and my heart.  It will be hard but I know I will get there.  I may not be throwing away the greeting cards yet, but starting with this upcoming Christmas, I won't be giving any cards to anyone but my parents (I will need to "wean" my mom off the not giving cards slowly).

Well, now that I have recharged, I want to keep going!!  But I really need to get to sleep and with so much more to say, cutting it short this time will hopefully *fingers crossed* keep me coming back to share again another day!  Namaste!